Tidzakumana ndi munthu yemwe amamvetsetsa ndi mawu a nusu, akuganiza zokhumba zanu zonse, ndipo mukuganiza kuti mwakumana ndi munthu wa maloto anu? Kodi mukuganiza kuti mwapeza bwenzi lanu labwino, mukuyamba kulingalira momwe mukuyendera guwa lansembe la ukwati?
Akatswiri a zamaganizo omwe amadziwika bwino pa nkhani za maubwenzi omanga ukwati amalangizidwa kudikira ndi malingaliro amenewa. Zikatero, munthu sayenera kufulumira kuganiza. Ndi bwino kulingalira ndikufunsa mafunso angapo ofunikira osati kuganizira za kukonzekera kukwatirana ndi kukonzekera m'maganizo. Ndikofunika kudziwa ngati munthu uyu akukutsatirani mwapadera. Ndipotu, ngati si choncho, ndipo mwamsanga mukuchoka, ndiye izi sizikutitsimikizirani kuti ukwati udzasokonezeka musanayambe.
Dokotala wa Psychology Harriet Lerner, yemwe analemba buku lakuti "Malamulo a Ukwati: chitsogozo chokwatirana ndi kukomana", anapeza mfundo khumi zosavuta zomwe zingathandize kuti mwamuna wanu akhale wosagwidwa.
- Mmodzi ayenera kumvetsetsa kuti pali kusiyana pakati pa malingaliro, omwe amachititsa maanja pa nthawi yoyamba ya ubale wawo ndi kuyandikana kwa mzimu. Maganizo omveka, omwe angakhale ndi chilakolako chokha, kapena zochitika zoyambirira sizingakhale chizindikiro kuti pakati panu muli ndi mphamvu yeniyeni yeniyeni.
- Apa ndikofunikira kuti mutsogoleredwe ndi kugunda kwa mtima, koma choyamba ndi cholinga. Pambuyo pake, pali chinthu ngati "nyengo ya maluwa," kenako, ngati maganizo anu sali ovomerezeka monga momwe akuwonekera, chirichonse chikhoza kutha. Panthawi imeneyi ya chiyanjano, pamene abwenzi akuyamba kudziwana, sakuwona chinthu chachikulu, chifukwa akulamulidwa ndi zomwe zimamveka panthawiyi, koma sizimagwirizana. Chifukwa cha ichi, sipangakhale kafukufuku wofunikira pa theka lawo lachiwiri, chifukwa panthawiyi maanja amatha kuona zabwino wina ndi mzake, komanso zomwe iwowo akufuna. Choncho, ndikofunikira pa gawo loyamba la chiyanjano kuphatikiza mutu ndi kugwiritsa ntchito nzeru.
- Kuwunika ndi chinthu chofunika kwambiri. Mu nthawi ya ubale wanu, musakhale osiyana ndi dziko lakunja, ndipo mukhale nokha pamodzi, osafuna kuti muwone aliyense. Ndikofunika kuchita zosiyana. Kuyang'ana wosankhidwa wanu ndi kupereka mwayi kwa achibale anu, achibale kapena abwenzi, awonenso ndikuyesa khalidwe lake.
- Khalani nokha. Ndikofunika kuti mumvetsere nokha pazigawo zoyambirira za chiyanjano. Mukuchita bwanji mu ubalewu, kodi mukuyesera kukondweretsa ndikukwaniritsira chikhumbo chilichonse cha osankhidwa anu, kuyesera kuti muwoneke ngati mkazi wabwino. Yesetsani kukhala nokha, osati kusintha, koma kulankhula ndi kuchita zomwe mukufuna. Choncho, mudzatha kumvetsetsa ndi kuzindikira, zam'tsogolo, ngati mudzatha kulandira zomwe mumakonda.
- Yamikirani wosankhidwa wanu monga bwenzi. Kodi mungapange ubwenzi ndi munthuyo? Ndipotu, mwamuna ayenera kuchita ntchito ya bwenzi kuphatikiza pa udindo wa wokondedwa. Kodi mungangokhala ndi anzanu?
- Samalani ndi chikhalidwe chanu chamkati mutatha msonkhano ndi theka lanu. Kodi mumamva kuti mukuponderezedwa kapena mukutsutsana, kodi muli odzaza ndi mphamvu ndipo zonse zikuwoneka kuti zili paphewa lanu?
- Samalani zolephera za makhalidwe ake omwe mwakonzeka kulandira. Kapena mwinamwake pali ena omwe mudzawavutikira kulekerera mtsogolomu. Ndikofunika kukonzekera mfundo zonse mwakamodzi.
- Ndikofunikira kukumbukira kuti simungathe kulowa mu ubale wanu ndi mutu wanu, pamene mukudzipatula nokha ngati munthu. Zokhumba zanu ndi zikhumbo zanu zikhale zoyambirira. Pambuyo pake, ngati ubalewu sulikukula, zidzakhala zovuta kwambiri kuti muthe kuzisintha ndi dziko lozungulira. Pamene mukukonzekera ukwati, musaiwale kuti dziko lapansi ladzala ndi zodabwitsa, ndipo zinthu sizingakhale nthawi zonse monga momwe zikufunira.
- Nthawi zonse dziwani nkhani ya nkhondo yanu. Musamame kanthu kuti mupewe mkangano. Kusagwirizana kumayenera kuchotsedwa mwa kufotokoza zonse. Ndiponsotu, mukachotsa kusamvetsetsana, mudzadziwana bwino, ndipo mudzatha kuyesa momwe mnzanuyo amachitira zinthu ngati zimenezi.
- Ndikofunika kukumbukira kuti palibe chikondi komanso malingaliro omwe angasinthe munthu mtsogolomu. Ngati pali chinachake chomwe sichikugwirizana ndi inu pakadali pano, ndipo mwaganiza kuti mubwererenso funsoli mobwerezabwereza, ponena za chikondi chomwe chiripo, ndi zina zonse zowonjezereka, ndiye ichi ndi kulakwitsa kwakukulu. Ndikofunika tsopano kulingalira pa zomwe mwakonzeka kuzipirira mtsogolo, ndi zomwe siziri.