Kawirikawiri amakhulupirira kuti kusudzulana patatha zaka zisanu ndi zisanu ndi zisanu ndi zisanu zokhala ndi moyo wabwino kwambiri ndizovuta kwambiri kwa mkazi. Mulimonsemo, chizolowezicho chinatsimikiziridwa ndi kuti hafu yokongola ya anthu ikusowa thandizo la akatswiri. Amuna, komanso kuti ndifunikira kukhala pansi pansi, mwachidziwikire amadziwika ndi zikhalidwe zatsopano za moyo. Komabe, pafupi zaka 10 zapitazo, akatswiri a maganizo a maganizo anayamba kudabwa kuti amuna osudzulana ambiri ambiri samamva bwino, monga onse amakhulupirira. Kodi munthu amatha bwanji kusudzulana, ndi momwe angakhalire naye kwaife - akazi?
NDI ZINTHU ZONSE M'ZIMODZI
Pofuna kuyesa molondola kukula kwa zochitikazo, zomwe zidzakambidwe - matenda ozindikira amuna - choyamba tiyeni tikambirane za momwe tingasamutsire ufulu wa amayi. Mwachitsanzo, mmodzi mwa akatswiri akuluakulu pa matenda a maganizo, Norman Farberou, akunena kuti palibe kugonana kwabwino pakati pa kusudzulana ndi kugwa kwa mgwirizano umene wakhalapo kwa zaka zingapo sikumabwerera kumbuyo kwa thanzi labwino ndi thanzi. Mulimonsemo, mzimayi aliyense wachisanu ndi chitatu wosudzulana, malinga ndi chiwerengero, akuyesera kuthetsa zinthu ndi moyo. Munthu aliyense wachinayi amapita kuchipatala kuti amuthandize (ngakhale kuti azimayi oposa theka la amayi omwe adzimasula okha ku zibale zawo amatha kukhala ndi maganizo osowa chithandizo). Ndipo oposa theka la onse opatsirana pogonana omwe amagulitsidwa m'mayiko omwe amati ndi otukuka amapezedwa ndi amayi omwe ali mu chikhalidwe chosudzulana zosachepera chaka!
Kwa amuna, pachiyambi, zimakhala zosavuta kwenikweni. Ndipo izi zimatsimikiziridwa ndi kafukufuku: 65 peresenti ya amuna osudzulana adakwatiranso zaka zisanu zoyambirira. Zonsezi ndi zomveka kuchokera kumalingaliro a psychoanalysis. Chowonadi ndi chakuti munthu aliyense kale anali ndi vuto la kuswa ndi mkazi wofunikira - mayi. Ali ndi zaka zisanu ndi zisanu ndi ziwiri ndi zisanu, anyamatawo amangidwanso. Pang'onopang'ono amasiya kukhala ngati amayi, ndipo monga momwe opatsirana maganizo amanena, amasintha kukhala amuna. Choncho, kupuma kwachiwiri ndi mkazi wokondedwa ndi wokondedwa ndi kosavuta. Enanso 15 pa 100 alionse omwe ali ndi mphamvu zogonana amakhala ndi banja latsopano pakati pa zaka zisanu ndi zisanu ndi ziwiri pa gawo lachiwiri la moyo wautali. Koma otsala 20 peresenti tsopano akuyesa kuyang'anitsitsa kwa akatswiri a maganizo, popeza amapanga banja latsopano (kapena kupeza womanga naye okha) zaka 20 kapena kuposerapo pambuyo pa kutha kwa banja loyamba.
MU MITU YA NKHANI
Pofuna kumvetsetsa chifukwa chake amuna ochulukirapo ochuluka amakhala ndi mavuto ambiri m'maganizo (pambuyo pawo ndi pamthupi), pokhala "kwakukulu", wina ayenera kunena zomwe akuyembekezera kuti athetse banja.
• Amuna ambiri amakhulupirira kuti, atadzimasula okha kwa amzake awo, adzakumana ndi mkazi woyenera - wokongola kwambiri, wokongola, wokoma mtima, wosamala komanso wochuluka kwambiri. Izi zikutanthauza kuti kutopa kwa kugonana kwa tsiku ndi tsiku kumapangitsa kuti anthu asamangokhalira kujambula, zomwe zimathandiza kuti azitha kujambula zithunzi zogonana komanso azikhala ndi abwenzi osiyanasiyana.
• Cholinga chachiwiri, chomwe nthawi zambiri chimakhala chochepa chochotsera chiyanjano ndi banja ndi chikhumbo chochotsa udindo pa banja. Kapena kuchepetsa kuchepetsa udindo umenewu.
ILL-TERMED ILLUSIONS
Komabe, kuledzera kwa ufulu watsopano mwa amuna kumakhala, monga lamulo, miyezi ingapo, ndipo nthawi zina ngakhale masabata. Ndiyeno, pang'onopang'ono, koma ndithudi, kukhumudwa kumayamba kulowa mu moyo.
Atawoneka "mwaufulu", mwamunayo sakuchita momwe angadzifunire yekha. Oimira abambo amphamvu akuyesera kuzindikira zoyamba zawo zogonana. Monga lamulo, abwenzi angapo amawonekera nthawi yomweyo: imodzi ndi yosatha, inayo ndi yaifupi. Ndipo kawirikawiri nthawi yayitali (maola-atatu-ora) amalumikizana kwambiri amakhumudwitsa kwambiri. Ngakhale zili pa iwo kuti anthu ali ndi chiyembekezo chodalirika. Chowonadi ndi chakuti kugonana kwaukwati kuli ndi mbali imodzi yofunika kwambiri. Tikukamba za zomwe zimatchedwa kusintha - maganizo ndi thupi. Pambuyo pa zaka zingapo ndikukhala limodzi ndi zokopa zapadera (kugonana), okondedwawo, samamva, koma chisangalalo chimadza posachedwa, popanda nthawi yayitali. Kusagwirizana kumakhala kosavuta, koma msinkhu wokondweretsa nthawi zambiri umatuluka mwamsanga - mkati mwa mphindi 4-5. Ndipo zonsezi kuphatikiza zimapereka chitonthozo.
Koma moyo wapamtima ndi abwenzi atsopano komanso osadziwika umafuna kuchokera kwa munthu wamkulu kwambiri m'maganizo ndi m'thupi. Choyamba, wokondedwayo ayenera kukhala ndi chibwenzi cholimba. Chachiwiri, chiyenera kuchitidwa nthawi yaitali. Chachitatu, chiwerewere chomwecho ndi chautali komanso "mphamvu zamphamvu". Malingana ndi ziwerengero, pa nthawi ya chibwenzi ndi mkazi wake, kuwonjezeka kwa mtima kwa amuna kumawonjezeka ndi kupweteka kwa 8-10 pa mphindi ndikusunga pamtunda uwu pasanathe mphindi zisanu ndi zitatu pambuyo pake. Ngati mnzanuyo ali watsopano, mtima wamwamuna umapweteketsa maulendo 30-40 nthawi zambiri kuposa nthawi zonse ndipo "amachepetsa" pokhapokha mphindi 10-20 mutatha msinkhu. Palinso mawonekedwe achinayi: mutatha kugonana ndi mnzanu watsopano muyenera kupitiliza kuyankhulana, ndipo nthawi zambiri mumamutenganso. Inde, kuyandikana koteroko kumabweretsa chimwemwe chochuluka, koma kumachotsa mphamvu zambiri, kumachepetsa mphamvu, chikhumbo chowonetsa zoyamba, ndi zina zotero.
Chidwi chachikulu, ngakhale chokhumudwa panthaŵi imodzimodzi, ndi chakuti, malinga ndi kafukufuku wa akatswiri a maganizo a m'mayiko osiyanasiyana, ambiri mwa amuna omwe anamwalira patatha chaka ndi theka pambuyo pa kusudzulana kunachepa kwambiri kugonana. Ambiri a iwo amakana ngakhale zolaula zogonana kuchokera kwa amayi, nthawi zambiri amakhala achichepere komanso osakwiya.
Kuwonjezera pa mavuto pamoyo wake, mavuto amayamba omwe ndi anthu enieni. Inde, kufunika kokhala ndi udindo kwa banja sikuyenera kutayika, koma mapewa a munthu wina akugona pamapewa a amuna omwe ali osauka - udindo wawo. Ndipo tsopano, ku zochitika zoterozo, oimira ambiri a kugonana amphamvu sali okonzeka. Choyamba, palibe amene angayambane nawo nthawi zovuta, palibe amene angadandaule ndi mavuto. Pambuyo pake, mbuye, ngakhale wokoma mtima kwambiri, sali pafupi ngati mkazi, kotero sikuti aliyense adzatsegula pamaso pake. Ndipo si amayi onse amene amamvetsera mwamuna wake akudandaula za tsogolo.
Kuwonjezera apo, patatha masabata angapo a moyo wautali, amuna ambiri amapeza zofuna zambiri zowononga, monga: chilakolako chomwa mowa kwambiri, chilakolako chodya mokoma komanso mochuluka, kuphatikizapo usiku uliwonse. Azimayi ali ndi zifukwa zochepa, ndipo pokhala ndi chikhalidwe chokwanira komanso bwino, abambo amachepetsa mosavuta zilakolako zoipa. Mwa njira, pa msinkhu wosadziwika, amuna amamva mbali iyi ya akazi ndipo nthawi zambiri amakwatirana kuti azionetsetsa kuti mkazi amathandiza kukhala ndi chiwonongeko chowononga. Mwamwayi, izi sizinasinthidwe m'maganizo, choncho, udindo watsopano umakhala wovuta kwambiri kwa anthu ambiri ogonana.
Choncho, zonse zomwe zili pamwambazi za moyo waulere zimapangitsa kuti amuna ambiri pafupifupi chaka ndi theka atatha kusudzulana amayamba kumva kupsinjika, kusokonezeka, ali ndi chidwi chochepa pa ntchitoyi. Kuledzeretsa mowa (nthawi zambiri mowa) ndi chakudya ndizo zizindikiro zowonjezereka za matenda a chiwerewere pambuyo pa anthu ogonana kwambiri. Kuwonjezera pa kuchepetsa chilakolako cha kugonana, chomwe chalankhulidwa kale, mavuto ena mu malo apamtima nthawi zambiri amawonekera.
AMAZI OTHANDIZA PA NKHANI
Pali chizoloŵezi cha momwe amuna amachitira pambuyo pa chisudzulo. Pakatikati pa chaka chachiwiri pambuyo pa kutha kwa ubale, mwamuna aliyense wachitatu wosudzulana amayamba kuganiza mozama kubwerera ku banja lake lakale. Ndipo gawo limodzi lachinayi lidzakwatiranso ndi mkazi wake wakale! Zoona, amuna ena amayesa kuthawa kusungulumwa kwawo, atapeza banja latsopano. Komabe, magawo awiri mwa atatu mwa iwo pambuyo pake amakhulupirira kuti mkazi woyamba anali wabwino kuposa bwenzi lachilendo kapena latsopano.
Choncho, ngati mkazi sakondwera ndi chisudzulo chomwe chachitika ndipo akufuna kubwezeretsa chiyanjano, mwachiyero, muyenera kuyesa kudziletsa. Chachiwiri, munthu ayenera kukhala woleza mtima. Koma kuti muthamangire mwamuna wamwamuna wakale sayenera, komanso kuti mobwerezabwereza mubwereze: "Mudzabwerera kwa ine!"
Amuna - amanyadira kwambiri, choncho ndi kovuta kuti abwerere kwawo ali ndi mutu wolakwa ngakhale atakhala ndi chikhumbo chachikulu. Pofuna kukonzekeretsa kubwerera kwawo, yesetsani kusokoneza maubwenzi atatha kusudzulana. Pamene munthu "akubala" kuti ayambe banja poyamba, sadzayenera kufunafuna nthawi yapadera yobwera. Akungoyang'ana mwachikondi kuti apange chikho ndi tiyi.
Okonda NKHANI
Ngati mukufuna kudzakumana ndi munthu wosudzulana panjira yanu, kumbukirani malamulo osavuta, omwe angakuthandizeni kumanga naye ubwenzi wamphamvu ndi wolimba.
• Ngakhale chikondi chanu chikukula bwino, mumakumana nthawi zonse (2-3 pa sabata) ndipo muli bwino pamodzi, musaumirire kukhala pakhomo limodzi, ngati munthu amapewa izi mwa njira iliyonse. Kumvetsetsa kuti adasudzula mkazi wake wakale, osati kuti apange banja latsopano.
• Kuti wokondedwa wanu wakhala m'banja losangalala kwa zaka zingapo sizikutanthauza kuti ali wokonzeka kuchita zinthu monga mutu wabwino wa banja. N'zotheka kuti bwenzi lanu limatchula 20 peresenti ya amuna omwe amatha kukhala okha pokhapokha mgwirizano wa banja woyamba utatha zaka pafupifupi 20 (ngati sikumapeto kwa moyo wawo). Choncho musachepetse mauthenga anu kwa wokwatiwa wina.
• Ngati mwamuna wanu watha posachedwapa (zaka zopitirira chimodzi ndi theka zapitazo), mwinamwake, adzakhala ndi amayi ena pambali panu. Kulimbana ndi izi kulibe ntchito. Ingotengani mkhalidwe uno kuwerengera ndi kuleza mtima.
• Kafukufuku amasonyeza kuti amayi omwe amakumana ndi amuna omwe amatha kusudzulana amakhala ndi malo amodzi mwa awiri okha: amatha kukondana kwambiri ndi wokondedwa wawo, kapena amalankhulana ndi chilema chachikulu, kuyembekezera kusonyeza makhalidwe awo abwino atangomanga naye banja. Zonsezi ndizomwe simukuchita. Ngati n'kotheka, yesetsani kukhala ndi mndandanda wa makhalidwe omwe chisamaliro ndi mtendere mu malo apamtima angaphatikizidwe ndi kuletsa. Iyi ndi mwayi weniweni wopambana mtima wa osankhidwawo.